Seriously? Really?

Luckily I had a busy day in the office yesterday, I was working for 12 hours. It was good. It kept my mind off my beloved Wolf.

We are encouraged to use Skype with our business partners. And I use it also for chatting in private purposes sometimes.

I was online with a coworker from another department who lost a brother few years ago because of a cancer. I wished her quiet and not too painful holidays: 1st November is all Saints Day, it is a holiday in our country. Most of people visit the graves of their relatives.

My coworker wrote me how she misses her brother. And that she explains to all her friends / coworkers / people she knows that they should get along better with their siblings.

I wrote back that I appreciate my brother more since I know that she lost hers.
And I added that sometimes I remind my close friends that they should appreciate their children more.

And guess what was her reply back? I am quoting:
"Klara, I really hope you will change your mind regarding the adoption. You would be so much happier if you adopted."

****
Seriously? Really? 

If I were mean, I would write back that she can borrow my brother from time to time. Let's say once every two weeks (this is how often I see my brother). So she would have a brother too.

Nobody can replace her brother. I know that.
And nobody can replace our children that were not meant to be born. How can she not accept that? 

***
And yes. I am and was extremly sad for the last few days. But it is because I lost my second best friend. Not because I am childless.

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf

Today early in the morning I kissed my beloved Wolf and said goodbye.
Then my DH (=his master) took him to the vet for an euthanasia.  

My heart is broken.
My only consolation it that our beloved Wolf is not in pain any more.
I miss him terribly.


PS: the photo was taken few years ago, when he was perfectly healthy.

Priceless & heartbreaking

Coming home and seeing the beloved Wolf's explosion of joy & happiness when he sees me: priceless.

Seeing how our beloved Wolf is dying slowly, day by day: heartbreaking.

If I had a gold fish that my one wish would come true?
Having a child? No.
Getting beloved Wolf's health back? Yes.

***

How I miss our long walks together! Now I go jogging almost every day, in the evening, for at least 15 minutes, alone. It is lonely without the Wolf.

No other life would I like to have more

Thank you Annie for commenting the post that I wrote more then three years ago.

My favourite part is this one:
And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.

This thought is always there in my mind- and after the darkest days of my infertility I can really say that I think that I might feel like this when I am old and grey.

***

I am saying goodbye untill Sunday, I am going on a business trip, aprox 6 hours of driving away. Hint: if you ask our friend Mali  - the best dishes on her European trip she had there. I am so looking forward to some delicious dinners!

Yes. This is definetely one of the advantages of being childless. I can afford to travel a lot for work.

The sun is shining. Life is good.

Memories

I used to spend all Friday evenings and 5 weekends per year with a group of girlfriends. We were together from aprox. 18th birthday to aprox. 34th birthday. 15 full years! We spent so many great moments together. So many adventures.

But - my infertility was too much for our friendship to handle. A bit of it is described:
http://old.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx 
(I wrote the guest post under the name Lucy... Lucy was the name that was always chosen for our baby girl (that lived only in our dreams).

Today I remembered one event from our friendship (it was after their first 5 children (of the total 8) had already been born). Two of friends suggested that it became to complicated to buy birthday gifts for all of us and all the children. Because that meant 10 birthday presents per year. So they (=the two dominant friends) decided that from that moment on we should buy only gifts for the children. The third friend agreed with them.

Another friend (my BFF then and now) and me disagreed, but it was already decided since the votes were 3:2.

Looking back I still can not believe, how selfish the other friends were. Did they not think about what this decision meant? Or they knew and they just didn't care?

They expected that I buy 5 gifts for their children every year (or 8 in the next two years to follow). And not to get any gift ever again?

Don't get me wrong... I am not not a materialist. Our birthday gifts were always small and cute (for example, 4 of us would gather money to buy a beautiful skarf. Or a book.) I always enjoyed discussions what gift would make someone else happy. And I loved getting a birthday present.

So, after no-birthday-presents-for-the-adults policy I was deeply touched when my BFF gave me a small birhdays present without the others to know.

Infertility tought me that is much better to have one or two good friends. As a large group of fake ones.

My beloved Wolf

It was a beautiful warm sunny autumn Sunday today. One year ago DH, me and our beloved Wolf would probably be whole day outside, on a walk that would be from 15 to 20 kilometers long.

Today we managed to walk only 2 kilometers and it made the Wolf really tired. Then we rested and read newspapaers & magazines together.

Wolf's illness made me realize, how everything in life passes by. And that we have to enjoy each moment as it is, too the fullest. 

My beloved Wolf - I hope you will stay with us for many years. I can not imagine my life without you.