Sunday, January 21, 2018

The hardest thing I've ever done

This Christmas / New Year period I got only two new emails from readers of my blog. Since they were so few I appreciate them even more. Thank you for taking time to write to me.

One of them wrote that giving up the dream of her children is also the hardest thing she has ever done.  I couldn't agree more. This was the hardest thing I've ever done.


Saturday, January 20, 2018

Life is...


I am good, just extremely busy with "our little house" building project. I love all the decisions that need to be done together with my husband. Like: will we have plastic windows? Wooden? We have chosen wood. Then: which wood?  Spruce, larch, oak?

It is all very exciting.

I have taken the photo of this slogan in one of the shops. I loved this quote.


Friday, January 12, 2018

So everybody’s kids could be mine

I really liked the latest interview on LWB:
http://lifewithoutbaby.com/2018/01/12/our-stories-teresa/

I tried to leave a comment, but I couldn't. I might try later. 
Teresa's thoughts reminded me of my feelings when in the darkest days of my infertility.

She wrote that she had given up on God. I know, I had given up on God for many years.

I loved the article that I found on Pamela's blog this week:
https://www.liftable.com/marybeth-bittel/dolly-parton-says-never-kids-god-plan/ 

I really liked this part:
Dolly Parton explained that although she’s been married to her husband Carl Dean for over 50 years, she feels that not having children was part of God’s larger design for her life. “I think it probably was his plan for me not to have kids,” she said, “so everybody’s kids could be mine.” 

If someone told me this when in the darkest years of my infertility I guess I would try to smack him/her. But nowadays most of the days I feel like that.

Friday, January 5, 2018

You don't have to do anything you don't want to

One of my colleagues listened to an interview with a 80-year-old woman. She was asked if she could give only one advice to younger generation, what would it be?  Her reply was: "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

I haven't been feeling well lately (it sucks having asthma & heartburn issues). I am not really ill, but I certainly didn't feel well enough to attend company's after-new-year party. I listened to the advice of wise old woman, so I went to see my GP and asked for one day of sick leave.

I spent a cosy day inside, reading this biography: 

My Early Life

I do admire Churchill!

Thursday, January 4, 2018

A candle for a friend

I got an email  today from a husband of a friend (from the time of IVFs). He wished me a happy new year and then wrote that sadly his wife passed away few days ago, leaving him alone with their son. 

I am so sorry for him. And I am so sorry that a 7-year-old boy will have to grow up without his mother.

I had an amazing support group during the times of all infertility treatments. But one by one they were getting babies (in a country where 6 IVFs are completely free of charge most of the women do get what they wish for). I no longer belonged to their group. They were still nice, inviting me to their events, but I could not - in the darkest days of my infertility - go to meetings where there was only one topic: pregnancies, newborns, toddlers...

So I stopped going to their reunions.

This friend even wrote to me couple of times after the birth of the child. I said congratulations and best wishes for the baby. She invited me to see the baby. Can't really remember what I replied, but probably that I am not ready for meeting the child and that I will get back to her when I am ready.

I wasn't ready for many years and when I was ready, I forgot about her and she forgot about me.   But yet ... my email was somewhere there for her husband to find and let me know about the tragedy.

If you didn't go through infertility you probably think I am selfish b****.
If you did go, then you understand... it is self-preservation. Without it I literally could not survive accepting childless life after the infertility.

I sent email with condolences to her husband and their little boy.

And I will lit a little candle in her memory now.

I can't do anything else.



Animals



I just loved the video about the cute little girl who feels sorry for the animals. 

I almost don't eat meat (but I am not a vegetarian yet). 

When you own an animal (in my case a dog) you realize how smart they are and how cruel it is to breed and kill them. Since they understand so much.

I loved story about Esther the pig. I am glad that at least she has a happy life:
i-accidentally-bought-a-giant-pig 

Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy and Healthy New Year!



In my country we never wish only for a happy new year, good wishes should be always in combination with health.

So, my dear readers, I am wishing you a very Happy and Healthy New Year! 


PS: photo was taken almost 12 years ago, while travelling around Patagonia (on the photo: breathtaking beautiful glacier Perito Moreno). My therapy during the years of failed IVFs was travelling. Always when heartbroken the only thing that worked for me was buying a plane ticket and fly far away for few weeks together with my husband. Since we had 10 failed IVFs we have seen quite some of the world :)  One of these days I will make "best of" travelling photos from that time.